


Las Nachos

by Nnoitra



Category: Bleach
Genre: Aizen is Good but Disturbed, F/F, F/M, GRATUITOUS DISCUSSIONS OF AIZENS COCK, Gambling, Gen, Luppi is knowledgeable on modern society, M/M, Massively AU, Multi, This is pure crack, Timeline fuckup, a lot of discussing Aizen, aizen is the sugar daddy to all, dont at all take this seriously, grimmichi special 2nd chapter, ichigo pov second chapter, implied unseen handjobs, reference to the mlp cum jar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-10-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:06:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26458414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nnoitra/pseuds/Nnoitra
Summary: Las Noches is full of dumbasses, and Grimmjow can attest to that. He is one, after all.
Relationships: Aizen Sosuke/Hogyoku, Grimmjow Jaegerjaques/Kurosaki Ichigo, Luppi Antenor/Everyone, Nnoitra Gilga/Tesla Lindocruz, Tia Harribel/Orihime Inoue
Comments: 8
Kudos: 57





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Bruh I don't know what's come over me. This is pure crack, pure dipshittery. There is nothing even remotely serious about this fanfic and all I can say is I'm not even sorry. This, to me, is one of the funniest fucking things I've ever written. If you're expecting the characters to be in character I'm sorry, they're really, really not.

Another loss, another painful, heartbreaking loss. The sadness seeps in, then a strange hope that always reappears. Just one more time, he thinks, reaching out slowly to press the button. This time for sure, is the one.   
7  
7  
1  
7  
7  
Grimmjow screams bloody murder as he fires a cero at the poker machine. Luppi, who was sitting two machines away turns to stare at Grimmjow. 

  
"What the fuck, dude? You've played like three times and you're already mad?" He sneers.

  
"Why are the machines cero proof?" Grimmjow growls, kicking at the machine instead. It doesn't even have a scratch. " _FUCK_ It's like it has a hierro stronger than fuckin' Nnoitra's!"

  
"You talkin' shit about me, Grimmjow?" Nnoitra peers around one of the machines behind Grimmjow's one. 

  
Luppi laughs, "He was complimenting your Hierro. Said it was strong." Nnoitra sends him an annoyed glare, then a pissed glare at Grimmjow as if somehow a compliment from him was worse than piss on his shoes. 

  
Tesla appears behind Nnoitra, "Actually, Master Nnoitra, he said the machine was stronger than your Hierro." 

  
Nnoitra growls and stands up, looming over his machine to look down at Grimmjow. "Bitch I'll kill you."

  
"Shut the fuck up Nnoitra, everyone's twisting my words around." Grimmjow growls. He kicks his machine once more and stomps off to a different machine, away from the shitheads lurking in the corner of the room, where he too, a shithead, was lurking. "Ya'll mean!" he yells across the room. He can't see them but he heard an annoyed sigh or two so he's sure his message got across.

  
Grimmjow's winnings for the day have been exactly $0.50. Why they deal with the living worlds money, he doesn't know, but he assumes it's because the machines were stolen from there and only works with money from the living world as well. With a sigh he slips a $10 note into one of the machines and starts the game. Here we go again.

  
It's been 24 minutes exactly before the sound of a powerful cero firing reaches everyone's ears. Grimmjow jolts as he feels the blast pass him by, singeing part of his uniform. He turns so fast he gets whiplash. He can see the others looking around for the source of the blast. Nnoitra's head appearing over the machines like Petunia Dursely snooping on her neighbors. Whoever fired the cero had missed the machine entirely, engulfing everything past it instead. It would have been easier to tell who they were if this room hadn't been built by Szayel and sealing all kind of auras and shit, or whatever it was he had spent 2 hours explaining to everyone at an Espada meeting.

When Grimmjow sees the obvious culprit he he laughs his ass off. 

Ulquiorra was leaving the room muttering something about trash machines and how Lord Aizen could ever consider them a good thing to have here in Las Noches. He pointedly ignores everyone in the room snickering and grinning at him and leaves with the door slamming behind him. It takes a few seconds of silence for there to be a scream from the hallway, short and quick, before the click of boots walking away slowly. 

  
"Emptiness aspect my ass!" Luppi screeches, "Bitch got angrier than Grimmjow!" He's laughing so hard that Grimmjow wonders how he hasn't fucked over his voice yet.

  
"Full of nothing _but shit_." Nnoitra grumbles, sitting back down on the lumpy uncomfortable stool with a huff. He glances at Tesla and glares. "Tesla! Who said you could stop playing on the machine? Win some fucking cash, we need more weed and Gin's being stingy again." 

  
Tesla jumps and turns back to his machine and shoves in another $50 note. 

  
"This fucking stinks." Grimmjow growls. "Why do we have these machines? What the hell do we need this fucking living world money for?" He gets up from his machine and goes back to the cluster of idiots in the corner, snagging a seat near Luppi again, but in a position that he can see them all from. Ain't no telling what could happen in here with his his back turned and an inability to sense anyone around him.

  
"Well if you hadn't skipped out on the last meeting then maybe you'd know." Nnoitra sneers. 

  
"Yeah Grimmjow." Luppi grins, "Gin set up some shop that uses human currency so he can use the money on something. Who the fuck knows what he's spending it on, but the shop has some good shit in it. I've bought lube from him. Which was kinda dumb, because he used it all on me anyway. He might as well have just given it to me for free." 

  
"Why the hell are you hanging out with him?" Grimmjow growls, Nnoitra just barks a laugh and goes back to his machine.

  
"Grimmjow you're so fucking dumb." Luppi smiles like it's fucking heartwarming or shit. "I'm not hanging with him."

  
"The man is a hoe." Nnoitra shrugs, "Obviously." 

  
" _Obviously_." Grimmjow mocks in a high pitched voice. "Aight, you're fucking your way up the food chain, big whoop. So what, planning on _catching them all_? Any idiot with a hole can do that." 

  
"Oh? Are you offering up your hole to me?" Luppi has a lecherous look on his face that makes Grimmjow want to recoil. "Because sorry, _Grimmy_ , but I strictly bottom. And was that some kind of weird sexual Pokemon reference?" 

  
"I'm not fuckin' offering you anything, skank." Grimmjow growls. "What the fuck is a Pokemon?"

  
"Aww quit playing hard to get!" Luppi coos, but there's a rabid looking sneer on his face. He pointedly ignores Grimmjow's question. If he doesn't know then he's not going to bother explaining. 

  
"I'm playing soft to get 'cos you can't get me hard." Grimmjow says, "Plus you're probably riddled with diseases. I know damn well you don't know what a condom is." Not that Grimmjow was going to push the subject too much, after all he only figured out that they were a thing like a month ago when he was going down with Szayel and the guy whipped one out. 

  
"Just so you know I have literally 0 STD's." Luppi growls and stands abruptly, stomping over to Grimmjow. "I'll also have you know I'm Gin's #2 Hole! So there! I don't need you anyway!" 

  
Grimmjow snorts, "Only #2? Lameeee. He even made you buy lube from him. Who's #1?"

  
Luppi pauses. "I think it's Lord Aizen, as if that wasn't obvious." 

  
"#1 is Ulquiorra." Nnoitra says, looking bored already. He's eyeing Tesla with _something_ in his eye but no one can tell if it's good or bad because Tesla's sweating bullets trying not to side-eye Nnoitra. Grimmjow narrows his eyes in concern, because he can only see one of Nnoitra's hands on the machine, bag of crisps abandoned on the chair beside him. Could be any reason for that, and Grimmjow wisely decides not to consider the choices nor the implications of this information. This is a public place, after all.

  
"Wha- It's _not_ Lord Aizen?" Luppi actually looks shocked at this.

  
"Jesus Christ even I'm a little shaken by that." Grimmjow says. "Wait how do you know this?"

  
"Unfortunate circumstances." Nnoitra says, and at the questioning looks he gets from Luppi and Grimmjow he groans in annoyance. "God you're fucking busybodies. I walked in on them, sort of. They were just... _there_ in the hall, not a care in the world. I had to walk past and pretend I didn't care. Ulquiorra's fucking loud, if anyone was wondering." He glances at Grimmjow as he says the last part, who pointedly looks away.

  
"But how does that make Ulquiorra #1 Hole?" Luppi frowns, "He might be #3." 

  
"You think you rank higher on the Hole List than Ulquiorra?" Nnoitra grins, "What a fucking ego you have. I can personally guarantee to you that he's a better lay." 

  
"You've never fucked me how would you know?" Luppi grins, "Pretty sure Tesla's the only ass you could get." Tesla is red but decisively doesn't add anything to their conversation. He's _really_ red.

  
"Whoa hold up Luppi." Grimmjow interjects, turning to stare at Nnoitra, "Nnoitra are you implying that you've had sex with Ulquiorra?" 

  
Luppi starts, "Huh. Yeah. You did just say you could _personally guarantee_."

  
Nnoitra scowls. "Whether I have or not shouldn't fucking matter, look at him. Look at the way the little cunt carries himself, complete control of how his body moves. I dare you to look at him and tell me he can't fuck real good if decides he wants to." 

  
"And it's obviously not Lord Aizen who's the #1 Hole." Grimmjow snorts, "That man is only sexually into _himself_."

  
"And the Hogyoku." Luppi interjects. 

  
Grimmjow nods solemnly, "Yes. And the Hogyoku."

  
"That man's probably jerked it onto the Hogyoku, moaning about power and domination." Nnoitra says. "Ew, he probably made people watch." 

  
"Nah, Gin probably volunteered to watch." Luppi sighs. "I mean who wouldn't? His cock must be huge."

  
"It's probably tiny. I think everything he does just screams compensating for something." Nnoitra says. The silent mutual agreement that sweeps through the room as everyone holds their tongue on a retort about Nnoitra's sword and compensating in the fear that they'll be killed should they so much as say the words compensating and Nnoitra's Sword in one sentence. Tesla is attempting to hide a smirk behind a neutral expression; he can read the room. He knows what they're thinking. They're wrong, his Master's pants are baggy harem pants for a reason and that reason is proof of God's existence. But his hands are a whole other wonder and Tesla can personally attest to that.

  
"No, that man has too much confidence for him to be compensating." Grimmjow says, "Think about it. He'd be a _lot_ meaner. People with small dicks are generally just rude for the sake of being rude."

  
Luppi scrunches his face up, "Yeah but... He seems the type to be really proud of how small his cock is. He'd be showing it off or something." 

  
Nnoitra snorts, "Ain't never seen him pull it out in a meeting to wave around for us before." He pauses, "That would be really funny though."

  
"Yeah, he has elegance about it, but if you caught him in private?" Luppi smirks, "He'd be all 'oi wanna see how small my dick is?' and you'd have to look because he'd kill you if you didn't." 

  
Tesla does speak up for once. "Master Nnoitra may I say something?"

  
"Urgh, what? Fine." Nnoitra says. "But keep playing as you do."

  
Tesla nods, "Well, I was talking last week with Harribel's Fraccions about the goings on around Las Noches lately in case there was anything important I should let you know about, and apparently word has been going around about Aizen having an Onlyfans account."

  
"What the fuck is an onlyfans?" Grimmjow frowns. 

  
"Oh I know what that is!" Luppi grins, "I see it on Gin's computer all the time. Sexy pics of Aizen everywhere. But... he hasn't shown his dick yet." 

  
"Well, Onlyfans requires living world money in order unlock things." Tesla says, "Maybe that's why Gin opened shop in hallway 4."

  
"He's trying to pay to see Aizen's cock?" Nnoitra groans. "He could get it for free if he just asked." 

  
"Maybe he has asked?" Grimmjow says. 

  
"Maybe he asked and Aizen did that annoying smile of his and just texted Gin the link to his onlyfans?" Luppi says. " _Dick_ move." He laughs at his own joke.

  
Another voice joins in. "Why the hell are you all sitting around gambling and talking about Aizen's dick and Onlyfans?"

  
"Come on, Szayel. You can't tell me you're not even the tiniest bit curious." Nnoitra grins. 

  
Szayel fixes Nnoitra with a dead-eye stare. "You assume I don't know anything about Aizen's dick. I know everything." 

  
Everyone's silent for a second before a chorus of yelling starts. "Please you gotta tell us." Luppi begs, he's on his hands and knees with desperate clammy fingers grabbing at Szayel's clothing. Szayel doesn't necessarily cave, but...

  
"It's completely average." He says, flicking his hair behind his ear. "6 inches, 2mm. Cumload average, distance abnormal though- he shot 4 meters and I hypothesize that it was due to a spike in his spiritual pressure that drove the sperm to launch at an irregular distance. It only happened once. He was masturbating on the Hogyoku." 

  
Grimmjow yells, "CONFIRMED! IT GOT CONFIRMED!" 

  
"Holy shit he actually does that." Luppi mumbles.

  
"God that's fuckin' disgusting." Nnoitra growls. "But also kinda hot."

  
Luppi nods in agreement and Grimmjow just scrunches his nose in disgust. 

  
"Damn now I'm kinda horny." Luppi mumbles, hands sliding to cover his crotch as if it's embarrassing for him to be seen with a raging hard on. Grimmjow nearly commented on how everyone in Las Noches has seen Luppi's dick when he posted it publicly on a billboard with his room number. "I'll catch ya'll later." He gets up off the floor in front of Szayel and sonidos out of the room.

  
"Can I just say that Gin is actually dumb as fuck?" Tesla says. Nnoitra jolts a little and looks down at Tesla with vague shock and mild pride. 

  
"Why do you say that?" Grimmjow asks. 

  
"If he wants us to gamble to pay for things in his shop so he can pay to look at Aizen's _severely disappointingly average cock_ , then why... did he not just steal the money inside the machines instead of just the machines themselves?" Tesla says. "And then he gave us money to use the machines? The man's missing a brain cell or 5."

  
Everyone is silent, trying to think of an answer. Nnoitra just huffs an annoyed sigh and whacks Tesla in the back of the head, with a considerable lack of malice. "Idiot. I didn't give you permission to be smart."

  
Szayel purses his lips in concentration. "Gin's very..." Szayel doesn't finish his thought because the door opens up and Gin himself, the man the myth the legend, walks in.

  
"Couldn't help but notice Ulquiorra tried to cero a machine." Gin smiles, "But also you realize I frequent the surveillance rooms and know you're all discussing Aizen's dick and me."

  
Everyone is silent. Except for Nnoitra, of course. "Fuck yeah we were. Why are you running a shop and why did you and Aizen put these fucking machines here?"

  
"Aizen thinks you're all bored, and I'm running a shop because you all need to be introduced to currency so we can send you to do shopping in the living world."Gin says.

  
"That's... a very boring explanation. I've never been so disappointed." Szayel sighs. "Why does Aizen have onlyfans though?"

  
"Oh, Tousen runs that." Gin says, "He says that the living world deserves to see the glory that is Aizen. Also he's using the money to fund his newfound crochet addiction."

  
"Wha- how the fuck does he get Aizen to pose?" Nnoitra asks.

  
Gin turns to him. "His biggest weakness, his biggest kink, is watching someone get dirty with the Hogyoku. Tousen volunteers, Aizen watches. Aizen then poses, Tousen takes the photos." 

  
"Are they... in a relationship?" Grimmjow asks.

  
Gin surprisingly just shrugs. "I have no idea."

  
"Like you said before, Grimmjow." Tesla says, "He's only into himself. Probably sticks the Hogyoku up his ass for kicks."

  
Nnoitra rounds on Tesla, "You're getting real mouthy, Tesla."

  
"Sorry." Tesla mumbles.

  
"No." Nnoitra says. "It's hot, keep doing it."

  
Tesla looks like he struck gold with that if the elated, flushed look he gets on his face is anything to go by. Also could be that Nnoitra's hand resurfaced a few seconds later but Grimmjow will never know, and hopes it stays that way.

  
Gin turns to Grimmjow. "You're probably right. I tried for a whole year when we were in Soul Society to get into his pants. Nothing. He would just... smile and leave any time I flirted. And dear God the times when Momo slutted up to him like a cat in heat and he'd just... pat her on the shoulder and bolt."

  
"Maybe he's a virgin." Nnoitra offers up. 

  
"He gets kinky with the Hogyoku and watches Tousen get kinky with it!" Grimmjow retorts.

  
"He is incredibly voyeuristic." Szayel sighs. " _Snuck in on me a few times_." He mumbles mostly to himself as an afterthought.

  
"Yeah but... voyeurism and actually fucking someone are vastly different." Tesla interjects, "It's one thing to watch and another to actually get intimate with someone."

  
"So you're saying that Aizen has intimacy issues or that he's actually a virgin?" Nnoitra asks. 

  
"Maybe it's both?" Grimmjow shrugs, "I mean, he oozes confidence but he seems overconfident. Maybe he really is compensating, but not for his dick?"

  
"Hey yeah, you're right." Szayel says, "Compensating for the fact he's too scared to get any because he has these underlying fears of intimacy so in order to not let people get close to him he went on this whole Hogyoku crusade so people would fear and hate him to avoid being flirted with and avoid the soul crushing fear of having intercourse with a physical person."

  
"Maybe he's just... not into humanoids." Tesla says. 

  
"You implying he's into bestiality?" Gin asks, he looks vaguely sick.

  
"Well, have you got any proof he's into people?" Nnoitra snaps back, "Other than watching others, he's got nothing going for him." 

  
"I don't enjoy hearing all your slander against Aizen." Gin says, and he sounds vaguely annoyed, but amused too, like he's at war with something internally.

  
"That sounds like a personal problem." Grimmjow huffs, "But if we're being honest here, he's Hogyokusexual." 

  
"Yeah." Nnoitra says, "That's probably... all he's into."

  
"Can we change the subject or do we have to keep discussing Aizen's preferences for the Hogyoku?" Gin asks, nearly pleadingly. 

  
"Yeah, let's." Grimmjow grins, "Is it true that Ulquiorra is your #1 Hole?" Even Szayel has now looked up from his nails with vague interest. It seems even he is not privvy to this information yet.

  
Gin turns very slowly, painfully slow, to look at Nnoitra who at least has the decency to huff and look in another direction. He turns back to Grimmjow. "Ulquiorra's my number #3 Hole."

  
Nnoitra snaps back to look at Gin with nothing but shock on his face. Even Grimmjow looks bewildered. "What the fuck? Who's your #1!?" Nnoitra yells. Grimmjow makes a mental note to tell Luppi that he ranks higher than Ulquiorra on Gin's fuck chart after all. Or maybe he shouldn't... Lord knows what he'd do with that ego boost. They do not need another billboard incident.

  
Gin is silent, as if weighing the pros and cons of telling these gossipy bitches about his sex life. He seems to make a calculated decision and approaches Grimmjow, leaning in to whisper in his ear. With that, he then flash steps out of the room with nothing but a light wind left behind him. 

  
Grimmjow frowns in confusion. "Who the fuck is Pesche?"

  
Tesla and Szayel's eyes go wide and they look at Nnoitra who is undoubtedly looking green. "God doesn't exist." He mumbles, standing up and leaving the room without bothering to even use a Sonido. Tesla getting up and following close behind, armful of winnings and a face full of concern.

  
Szayel pulls a face and clicks his tongue, "This is beyond my calculations." 

  
"Who the fuck is Pesche?" Grimmjow repeats.

  
"Wouldn't you like to know." Szayel mutters, leaving the room. 

  
Grimmjow is left sitting there like an idiot all alone, confused and annoyed. " _What the fuck_?" He mumbles to himself.

  
"Holy Hell, Ya'll are _fucked up_." A voice from the other corner of the room says, and Grimmjow turns to see Harribel sitting at one of the machines, lap full of winnings and a Vodka Cruiser sitting on the bench next to her. "But it was entertaining so. Thanks." She raises her bottle in salute and pours it through her mask. Half of it goes in her mouth and the other half sloshes down over her barely covered enormous gorgeous tits. 


	2. Ichigo and the Lesbians

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The future of Las Noches is in discussion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

Ichigo wasn't necessarily _regretting_ the fact he came to rescue Orihime from Hueco Mundo but he was having a few guilt-laced second thoughts about the whole thing. Really, this place is a nightmare. He finally found his way into Las Noches but he feels more like he's stuck in a fever dream than Aizen's Sexy Hollow Factory, which he so namely dubbed after his encounter with at least 3 hot stuff Espada and Arrancar. But still, whatever Aizen's up to he's not sure and doesn't hugely care about, but it feels like he's making the first ever Supernatural Las Vegas if the shops around this place are anything to go by. Actually, Ichigo's not sure if he could really compare it to Las Vegas, because he's never actually been, but this is how he imagines it to be anyway. 

  
He rounds the corner and comes face to face with a big door with what looks like children's scribble saying the words 'games and shit' in sharpie. Then underneath was the words 'Banned' and a fairly large list of names that Ichigo assumed were other Arrancar or Espada. And Oh, there's a surprising one, Ichigo thinks. 5th on the list was Ulquiorra, the weedy little man who kidnapped Orihime under orders from Aizen. Ichigo hadn't pegged him as the type to get banned from anything, or even pegged him at all. Not that he had any plans to. 

  
Curiosity getting the better of him he nudges the door open carefully and peeks inside. He frowns and pushes the door the rest of the way open and steps inside to get a good look at the room. He gapes as he stares around at all the machines in the room, the abundance of pool tables and a strange looking long table with a huge jar full of paper in the middle of it. He can't sense anyone in the room so he ventures in further and lets his curiosity run wild. He never thought in his whole life that one day he would be standing in the middle of the Hollow kingdom, in what was clearly a gamblers den.

  
Ichigo glances around the room again and this time sets his focus on the glass jar full of paper. He frowns a little as he tries to recall if he's ever seen something like that in a place like this. Not that he'd ever been to one in person, no, not really his scene. But he'd watched the TV plenty of times. His mind flew instantly to some kind of Black Market trading gaming for money, the ones where you can have your eyes or organs removed for cash. He shudders at the thought, but morbid curiosity drives him further into the room and towards the glass jar. He really wants to know what those pieces of paper say. 

  
He gets to the jar and leans over the table to look inside without having to touch it. This was still Las Noches after all, never know what traps could be ready to spring out at him. After a few moments he deems it safe enough to plunge his hand into and grab some of the pieces of paper. As he pulls he his hand back he knocks over the jar and some of the papers tumble out. As he quickly tries to pick them back up he notices on the side of the jar the messily written word 'Bets'. 

  
He picks up one of the papers and unfolds it. He stares in confusion as reads the sloppily written words.

  
_ I bet $20 there will be another billboard incident by the end of the month _   
_ -Grimmjow _

  
Ichigo has no idea what that means and he's honestly not sure if he wants to know or not. He picks up another piece of paper.

  
_ $100 says Luppi's gonna try and fuck me at some point _   
_ -Aaroniero _

_ $200 says I wont fuck Aaroniero _   
_ -Luppi _

  
He frowns in confusion but he can't seem to stop reading. He starts picking through all the bets in the jar. 

  
_ I bet at least $5 that most of these are going to be about Luppi's Sex Life _   
_ -Starrk _

  
_ 30 says Aizen's lost the Hogyoku somewhere and that's why he's stopped making more Arrancar _   
_ -Nnoitra _

  
_ yeah but $200 says he shoved it up his ass and it got stuck so he's decided to live like that now _   
_ -Grimmjow _

  
_ $10 says Grimmjow's got a crush _   
_ -Gin _

_ $20 says I dont!!!  _   
_ -Grimmjow _

_ cough up my 10, Grimmjow. 30 says you do and you're denying it. ooh. Cough up 40 for me actually. _   
_ -Gin _

_ $50 says Gin's right. We all know you're obsessed _   
_ -Luppi _

  
Ichigo stops reading for second. Grimmjow? That was that stupid sexy Espada he fought back in the living world! Ichigo wonders who the lucky Hollow is that apparently caught Grimmjow's attention. He goes back to reading the bets. He feels more like he's reading through a group chat though and wonders vaguely if Las Noches has social media. He's already walked past at least 3 Adult Stores and a singular abandoned Taco Bell so he wouldn't put it past this place to have it's own social media. Wifi reach must be awful though, this place his huge. The sad 4G life Aizen's army has to live. Ichigo pities the fools.

  
_ $70 says that they'll hook up. _   
_ -Harribel _

  
Ichigo was about to pick up another piece of paper when he heard the door slam open and he quickly turns around, ready to attack at any sign of trouble. Instead he's greeted with two surprised looking faces. 

  
"Look! It's him! It's The Boy!" The skinny twink looking one shouts, pointing at Ichigo excitedly. The person he's with is looking him up and down.

  
Ichigo gets into battle stance in case his opponent makes the first move. "Who are you?" He growls.

  
"It doesn't matter. We can't fight in here anyway. No one can. Gin had Szayel make this place Ulquiorra-proof, not that it matters, he got banned for Unsolicited Ceros Without Justified Cause." The skinny twink boy says. 

  
Now that skinny boy mentions it, even with the two newcomers in the room, he still can't feel their presence. He tries to activate his Bankai and nothing happens. Huh. Alright then. "What are all these bets about?" He asks, if he can't fight then so be it. Conversation is good too.

  
Skinny boy looks over at the jar and shrugs. "Stupid shit mostly. I guess I'll tell you my name, since I know yours, _Kurosaki_." He says, "I'm Luppi, but if you want you can call me Hole #2. This sexy bitch with me is Harribel." 

  
"How do you know my name?" Ichigo asks warily. And what the fuck did Hole #2 mean? Did Luppi mean Hollow 2? As in Espada ranked 2? Ichigo sure fucking hopes not. 

  
"God is there any of us who don't know at this point?" Luppi groans. "Grimmjow hasn't shut up!" 

  
"What?" Ichigo says dumbly. Grimmjow's been talking about him? "What has he been saying?" 

  
"Urgh the shithead hasn't shut his mouth about how he's gonna fight you, get you back, blah blah blah!" Luppi rolls his eyes and saunters over to Ichigo, leaning against the table. "I swear, it's like some living world romcom playing out in front of us and we just hadn't met the other protagonist yet." 

  
Harribel walks over, drink in hand and stands in front of Ichigo. "The finale ought to be interesting. Spicy, even." 

  
Ichigo just stares. "...What." 

  
"You really don't have a lot to say." Luppi says. 

  
"I really don't know what to say." Ichigo shrugs, "I came here to rescue my friend and now I'm being told that Grimmjow is obsessed with me and we met like, once I think."

  
"That Orihime girl is your friend? The one with the huge tits?" Luppi says. 

  
"Yeah." Ichigo says. 

  
"Hmph. Is she just your friend?" Luppi asks, "Because man if she isn't Grimmjow's gonna be so pissed."

  
"She's just my friend... Wait why am I even telling you this!" Ichigo mutters, "I'm standing here talking when she needs to be rescued." 

  
"I think she's pretty safe, I mean it's not like Aizen kidnapped her for the shits and giggles. He probably wants her power for something." Luppi says. "Besides I'm fairly sure she's getting some kind of Stockholm syndrome or something 'cos she's been hanging with Ulquiorra a lot. Yes, I know he's like... her Warden or something but all he has to do is bring her food and other necessities but sometimes he's in there for hours!" 

  
Ichigo has a worried look flash over his face that Luppi picks up on and says, "I mean, I know he's not doing anything bad to her because I'm almost positive she's the one initiating everything!"

  
"How can you be sure?" Ichigo asks. His poor sweet innocent and energetic friend Orihime could be getting conned by a weedy emo and here he is discussing possible relationship conspiracies with two enemies he's never met in his life.

  
"Because there's only so many times a week you can request a new toothbrush!" Luppi groans, "Every day it's 'Ulquiorra can I have a new toothbrush?' 'Ulquiorra can I have another pillow?' 'Ulquiorra can you-' BLAH BLAH BLAH, It just goes on and on! Then he brings her the stuff and boom, they're gone for the next 3 hours."

  
"Sus." Harribel says. "But if you and the Soul Reapers win this war, promise not to kill me or anything because if she's single after this I'm going to take a shot."

  
Luppi whips his head round to stare at Harribel. "Aren't you Sacrifice or some shit?" 

  
Harribel just glares back at him. "My sacrifice can be my dignity in asking for that favor." 

  
Luppi nods. "Loopholes. Nice." 

  
"Uh yeah, I can't promise it but if you're still kicking after the war I guess I can give Orhime a nudge towards you?" Ichigo says, and Harribel nods approvingly. "But back to what we were saying before; you think she's sleeping with Ulquiorra?" 

  
"Well... see that's the thing." Luppi says, "They make no noise. Not to be That Bitch or whatever but your friend doesn't strike me as the quiet in bed type and we all know for a fact Ulquiorra is really loud. If they were fucking in her room, trust me, everyone would know." 

  
"It'd sound like a thin walled brothel." Harribel says. "But it doesn't so who the hell knows what they get up to."

  
"Nefarious deeds no doubt. Ulquiorra blocks my cameras in her room whenever they're in there." A new voice pipes up and Ichigo swings around to face the door where a pink haired man was standing.

  
"Szayel why do you have cameras in her room?" Harribel says, she sounds vaguely pissed. Fucking men... Ichigo really has side with the ladies for this one.

  
"Standard procedure. Always keep an eye on the hostage." Szayel shrugs, "Wha- oh don't look at me like that Harribel you know I'm only in to cock and the sweet release that the perfect experiment gives me." 

She relents, sliding her gaze back to Ichigo. "She's been well looked after. She's not hurt or anything." 

  
Ichigo nods, "Thanks for telling me." Another thought pops into his head, "Actually, why do you have a place like this in Hueco Mundo?"

  
Luppi snorts, "Aizen thought we needed to learn how to pay for things and socialize without killing each other." 

  
"I think it was mostly set up for those he planned on sending to do chores in the living world. We don't have many gigais here so there's one set aside specifically for shopping." Harribel explains. "I've never used it but those who have say it's strange."

  
"Strange?" Ichigo says, "Like not well made?"

  
"Here I'll show you." Luppi says, and he pulls out a smartphone from God knows where. He brings up a picture and hands the phone to Ichigo.

  
Ichigo finds himself staring at the photo. And staring and staring. "Where did Aizen get this?" 

  
Luppi shrugs. "It was my suggestion. Gin was selling them weird lookin' gigais in one of his shops and Aizen was pleased with that. Something about 'not wanting to ask his ex for one' so I didn't push it." 

  
"His ex?" Ichigo asks. 

  
"Dunno the name. Although, he did mention once that his ex was training you so I suppose you'd probably know more than us!" Luppi says.

  
Ichigo freezes. "Urahara is Aizen's ex?" 

  
"Whatever his name is! Don't care." Luppi says, "But yeah- that's why we're using this shitty gigai." 

  
Ichigo looks back down at the phone with a sigh. "It's not a gigai." 

  
"Yeah it is, Gin told me himself." Luppi frowns. "It's just shit quality 'cos Gin's a cheapskate."

  
"Actually the quality is great for what it is, but it's not a gigai." Ichigo says handing the phone back to Luppi. 

  
"Harribel, you said you've never used it, right?" Luppi says, he thrusts the phone into Harribel's hands, "It is though! Look at it." 

  
Harribel looks down curiously and snorts, handing the phone back to Luppi. "Kurosaki is right. That's not a gigai. You should know what that is Luppi."

  
"What the fuck do you mean it's not a gigai?" Luppi says. "Then why... did Gin and Aizen say it was?" 

  
"Hogyoku fucking Aizen? You believed him?" Harribel says.

  
Hogyoku fucking...? Ichigo isn't sure he wants to know. "Luppi, or whatever the hell your name is, that's not a gigai but it's one of those weird life size silicone doll replicas that rich people use for strange kinky sex." Ichigo explains, and he was feeling almost dazed by the thought that he's standing in some gambling room in the hollow world, teaching an Arrancar about high end sex dolls.

  
Harribel nods, "He's right." 

  
Luppi pauses, takes another look down at the picture and says "Ohh that explains so much."

  
"What explai- Oi!" Another voice joins in. "Kurosaki! What the fuck are you doin' in here!?" 

  
"Has everyone just left me out of this conversation?" Szayel throws his arms up in exasperation. "Jesus, it's like I don't even exist or something." 

  
"We kind of left you hanging after the whole cameras stuff." Harribel says. "Hey Grimmjow."

  
"Hey." He replies, turning his attention straight back to Ichigo. "The hell are you getting chummy with the gays over here for?"

  
"I'll get chummy with anyone I want." Ichigo retorts.

  
"Aren't we supposed to be enemies or something?" Grimmjow growls, but nevertheless he still wanders over to the group. 

  
"Only if you're gonna get in my way." Ichigo says. "I'm just here to bring Orihime back."

  
"Pfft, good luck getting her away from the TV. She doesn't budge. Hogging Ulquiorra all the time." Grimmjow huffs, "How many fucking seasons of Glee can they watch? I swear, he asks one stupid question about hearts and she just swoops in and changes a man."

  
"So _that's_ what's happening in there..." Szayel says with the air of someone who has just been told the secrets of the universe. 

  
"She... She seems to be enjoying herself here." Ichigo frowns. "But she got kidnapped! Soul Society said she went willingly but I knew she never would have. That's why I came here to rescue her." 

  
"I asked her that! I said, 'hey titzilla why do you like it here? You're a kidnap victim and you never have any complaints' and she says, 'there's free wifi and Aizen gave me his American Express Mastercard and pincode and said go ham girl'." Luppi says. "Why Aizen has American Express I don't know, must be for hostage situations. But it sure is annoying having to open a garganta just to pick up the huge amounts of Uber Eats that she orders." 

  
Ichigo just looks perplexed, "What the hell kind of a person is Aizen?"

  
"We ask ourselves that every day." Harribel sighs.

  
"Anyway, again- what are you doin' in here Kurosaki?" Grimmjow. "Getting sidetracked from rescuing that girl?" 

  
"A little. I was just checking out this room and ran into those two." He points over at Harribel and Luppi, "Then this guy here turned up." He jabs a finger over his shoulder at Szayel. 

  
Grimmjow glances behind Ichigo at the table covered in bets and sort of freezes a little. "You didn't read any of those little papers did you?" 

  
Luppi smirks as Ichigo turns red. "I might have read a few." He says. 

  
Grimmjow starts getting fidgety and Luppi starts snickering. "Grimmjow just go for it." 

  
"Go for what!? I'm not going for anything!" He growls.

  
Szayel rolls his eyes, "You're not fooling anyone." 

  
"Yeah. Just go for it." Ichigo says, and he surprises himself with that. But hey, maybe it'll be fun. And if it doesn't work well then they can always just kill each other instead. The perks of being in an Espada+Human-part-time-hollowfied-soul-reaper relationship. 

  
Grimmjow stares in shock at Ichigo, turns blatantly red and power walks out of the room.

  
"What... what did I do." Ichigo mutters, embarrassed at being ditched by Grimmjow in front of all these Hollows. 

  
Luppi leans over and pats Ichigo on the shoulder, "Don't worry, he'll be back eventually. Last time someone asked him out he did this as well. I think he's just scared of intimate relationships, because he doesn't think twice about hoeing down every now and again."

  
"I can personally attest to that." Szayel says.

  
"Yeah, they fucked heaps." Luppi says. 

  
"God I loved the look on my brothers face when he walked in on Grimmjow and I that one time with the corps-" Szayel gets cut off as Harribel talks over him.

  
"I don't want to hear about that ever again and I'm sure that this boy here doesn't need to know about it." Harribel snaps.

  
"No wait let him continue I haven't heard of this." Luppi says, motioning for Szayel to continue. 

  
"Ok so this one time, like, a month ago now, Grimmjow and I had the bluest balls after having to watch Tesla and Nnoitra again at the meetings, you know how it is, always thinking nobody notices the handys? Anyway, at some point Luppi brought up how weird it was to have sex in that weird doll looking thing that Aizen is calling a gigai, how it was like he was the corpse in a necrophiliac situation and that gave Grimmjow and I the idea to go down to my storage area and get one of the bodi-" Szayel throws Harribel an annoyed glare as she interrupts once again. 

  
"I don't want to hear this again!" She growls, she glances at Luppi and frowns, whacking him across the back of the head. "Get your hands out of your pants this isn't the time, we have a guest right here." 

  
"Don't be such a cockblock!" Luppi whines. 

  
"I'll block it until the day I die, get out of here if you wanna touch yourself." Harribel snaps, "No one wants to clean your cum up off the floor again."

  
"You suck! Everyone sits through Tesla and Nnoitra and ignores it but as soon as I do it I get yelled at." Luppi yells. 

  
"At least they make an attempt at hiding it!" Harribel huffs. "You don't." 

  
"This is discrimination. I'm telling Gin you're being a bitch." Luppi makes to storm off but Szayel reaches out and grabs him by the arm. 

  
"Wait. I'll tell you the story but only if we can reenact the events afterwards, minus the intrusion from my brother because he's finally fucking dead." Szayel says. 

  
Luppi's face lights up. He turns back to the others, sticks his middle finger up and lets Szayel drag him out of the room.

  
"Szayel always gets horny when he tells that story." Harribel explains. It's just her and Ichigo in the room now. "And you _don't_ want to be near him when he is."

  
"I am so glad I didn't have to hear about whatever happened." Ichigo feels a little queasy. He's not sure if he's ready to take on a kinky Grimmjow as a partner.

  
"Don't let it put you off going for the gold, Kurosaki." Harribel says, "Grimmjow and Szayel are very different from each other. They see that time completely differently. Szayel loved that his big brother caught them but Grimmjow was really completely embarrassed and wouldn't come out of his room for days. I mean, Yylfordt was his fraccion after all." 

  
Ichigo nods. He decides not to say that the fact that being caught wasn't the thing in the incident that was what he was concerned about. Also he didn't know what the hell a fraccion was and decides not to ask. "Hey so... think you could take me to see Orihime?" 

  
"Yeah." Harribel says, turning to leave and motioning for Ichigo to follow her. 

  
Ichigo didn't know what to expect from this grand tour of Las Noches but it really wasn't what he had in mind. When he first got here it was like a fever dream, but now as he's roaming the hallways with Harribel he can safely say that this place is like a boarding school without the teachers and only the headmaster. Uniform and everything. 

  
"This here is the start of the rooms for us all. Orihime will be usually in here unless otherwise needed elsewhere." Harribel explains, leading Ichigo down a hallway lined with doors. Some doors had names on them but for the most part they didn't. "Espada ranked 10 and up have separate quarters so we don't have to deal with these rabid animals. Not that we're hugely different, we're just... more refined about it." 

  
"I see." Ichigo says as they passed by yet another door with a name. It has Luppi's name on it, and the door itself is quite heavily decorated with stickers. 

  
They pass by a room or two where there's distinct yelling coming from inside but Harribel pays no mind as Ichigo gives the doors a worried glance. They near the middle of the corridor when the door to a room up ahead bursts open and a frantic Arrancar bursts out of it and into the hallway shrieking and ripping at her bra. Ichigo duly notes that she's in her underwear and decides to look away to give her privacy from whatever drama is happening. Harribel actually stops this time and takes in the scene before her.

  
"Cirucci?" She questions the shrieking girl who has now torn her bra completely off. There's a small rise of smoke coming from her discarded garments and her chest looks a little red.

  
Cirucci turns towards Harribel, she'd stopped shrieking after clawing the bra off but then she yelps and covers her breasts. "Harribel! I didn't see you there..." She says, eyeing Ichigo suspiciously. 

  
"Are you alright?" Harribel questions. 

  
She doesn't get a chance to answer as Zommari hurries out of Cirucci's room. "You alright?" He says quickly, as she kicks out at him. 

  
"I'm never letting you motorboat my tits again!" She yells at him. "I'm _never sleeping with you again_!" 

  
"Cirucci, what happened?" Harribel sounds serious now and Ichigo feels her protectiveness flowing off her. 

  
"W-Well he..." She pauses and turns red. "I let him... cum on my tits but apparently his cum is somewhat acidic... I guess my skin's just not resistant because I never noticed before because usually he just cu-" 

  
Harribel just nods slowly and cuts her off. "Did you need my help?" 

  
Cirucci looks at Zommari for a few seconds before turning back and saying "I think I'll be OK. Just gotta ask Szayel to make me a custom condom if we're doing this again." 

  
"Then I'll be on my way." Harribel says, walking past Cirucci and Zommari who were still in the hallway. 

  
Ichigo follows behind her but as he passes the other two Cirucci reaches out and grabs Ichigo by the arm. "Hey." She says, "You look hot wanna bang later?"

  
Harribel turns back and gently pries Cirucci's hand from Ichigo. "He's claimed by Grimmjow. Try Yammy instead." 

  
Cirucci looks affronted. "Yammy!? Did you want me to die!? His cock is monstrous! I'd be smashed instantly." 

  
Harribel just shrugs at her and keeps walking. Ichigo just waves a meek goodbye to Cirucci and Zommari as he follows Harribel up the corridoor. 

  
"Jesus this place is like St Trinian's." Ichigo says. 

  
"I don't know what that means but I'll agree with you anyway." Harribel replies.

After another 5 minutes of walking they finally reach a door that has the words 'Orihime's Room' in what Ichigo recognized very clearly as Orihime's writing. Even some of her little crazy sketches were drawn around it. Harribel knocks a couple of times. 

  
Orihime opens the door and sees Harribel. "Oh! Harribel! Are you here to finish watching Gilmore Girls with me? You haven't come by in a few days!" 

  
Ichigo watches as Harribel's cheeks go red. "Uh, no. You have a visitor here." She says, stepping aside to let Orihime lean out and look down the corridoor. 

  
Orihime's face lights up, "Ichigo! Did they kidnap you too?" She squeals in excitement. "Oh, you'll love it here." 

  
"Are you doing OK?" Ichigo says. He's not even sure if this whole rescue thing is even happening now. 

  
"Yeah, I'm doing great!" She says, grabbing Ichigo and Harribel by the arm and dragging them inside. "Oh you have to see my room! I've put a lot of work into it and guess what? That's right! Aizen let me remodel the room so that the walls are entirely whiteboards! I can draw as much as I want and I don't even have to commit!" 

  
Ichigo scans the room, noticing just how decorated the walls were and how comfortable everything looks. Damn. _Jelly_. "It looks awesome, Orihime. You've done a good job." 

  
"Everyone helped me with it! I even managed to get Tosen to let me have access to the kitchen so I can make whatever I want with any ingredient! Ulqui will go through what he calls a garganta to pick me up ingredients if we don't have any left." She babbles on happily. "And people eat my food here! I could never figure out why no one ever wants to share with me but obviously it's because I was never able to put _enough_ ingredients in! People must have thought my food was so plain. That's why it gets eaten now!" 

  
_Yeah well they also eat each other here..._ Ichigo thinks but he keeps it to himself because Orihime looks so happy. "Well I'm glad... you're enjoying yourself." Definitely not what he thought when his friend went missing. 

  
"Orihime, what do you think are Grimmjow's thoughts on Kurosaki?" Harribel brings up and Ichigo goes red. 

  
"Oh he's a total simp." Orihime waves her hand dismissively, "It's always Kurosaki this Kurosaki that! _Shut up and watch this stupid film you wanted to see_!" She turns and grabs Ichigo by the shoulders and shakes him, "Don't ever watch TV with Grimmjow! He's a talker and questioner! He'll sit there for a whole film and compare himself to characters, and then when a character has a rivalry he'll compare the both of you! Then he always plays shocked when the rivals fall in love and hook up!" 

  
"He's met me like once! Why's he so obsessed with me!?" Ichigo says. 

  
"Kurosaki you literally just asked him out." Harribel says.

  
 _Oh yeah, that was a thing, wasn't it_? Ichigo blushes furiously as Orihime's face goes through a range of emotions. "Yeah, I did, didn't I?" He mumbles.

  
"Y-You did, huh?" Orihime asks, "Did he... say yes?"

  
Before Ichigo can say that actually, Orihime, Grimmjow played the blushing virgin and made a bolt for it because of something to do with Personal Issues. Instead, Harribel plays God and says, "Yeah they're dating. Sorry, Orihime." 

  
Ichigo sees a look of resignation cross Orihime's face before she sighs and says "So be it. Kidnapped girls gotta make do." She turns and throws herself into a very unsuspecting Harribel's arms who Ichigo noticed had to fight herself to not instantly go into a defensive position. 

  
"I thought you liked Ulquiorra as well?" Harribel says, she's shaking slightly and Ichigo smiles a little at how cute they look together. 

  
"Oh, I do! But I also like you." Orihime's muffled voice comes from between Harribel luxurious breasts. "And Ulqui doesn't have _these_."

  
"A-Are you sure you-" It's Harribel's turn to get cut off now.

  
"Absolutely!" Orihime says, "I've always wanted to be in a Poly relationship but in the living world there wasn't enough people I liked!" 

  
"Wait what do you mean?" Harribel really does look confused now and that zipped up crop top does nothing to hide her emotions, really. 

  
Orihime seems to pause for a second, "Are you... not currently involved romantically with your fraccions?" 

  
Harribel stares blankly for a few seconds before answering, "I'm... not? Did you think we were?"

  
"Well they told me you were when we were all in the middle of a thre-" Ichigo cuts her off for once.

  
"Orihime you've..." Ichigo feels faint. 

  
"Don't be a prude Ichigo! What the hell are you _supposed_ to do when three hot girls start making out next to you in the middle of a movie!? Sit and watch!?" Orihime says, she turns in Harribel's arms to throw him a _You Stupid_? look. "Then they asked I wanted to be part of the Harribel Harem and of course I accepted! Who the hell wouldn't?" 

  
Ichigo just throws his arms in defeat and wanders over to Orihime's over large, overly plush lounge and throws himself flat onto his stomach. He does not think about everything that's happened probably on this couch. 

  
"My Fraccions really... said that to you?" Harribel asks. 

  
"Yeah. I didn't know they were lying." Orihime says and she starts to fidget and look a little anxious. 

  
Harribel contemplates her options. She seems to come to decision. She tightens her grip on Orihime and holds her as close as she can. "F...Four girlfriends..." 

  
Orihime grins, "Fuck yeah." 

  
Ichigo lets out a despairing groan. What was the point of even coming to rescue her if she's having the time of her life? He wonders how everyone else is doing. Are they having just as weird of an experience or is it just him? Out of nowhere the door to Orihime's room bursts open and Ichigo doesn't even bother sitting up to know who it is.

  
"OI!" Yells Grimmjow as he lets Orihime's door bang against the wall with a crash. "Orihime you'll never gue- Oh hey Harribel I see you finally made a move!" 

  
Harribel looks behind her over her shoulder as Orihime shimmies out of their hug to hurry over to Grimmjow. "I didn't actually, she did."

  
"Nice, anyway! Found a certain ginger lurking around the games room today. Said he's here to save you or somethin'." Grimmjow laughs but stops suddenly and goes quiet. Ichigo is tempted to peek over the edge of the couch to see what's happening. He can hear Grimmjow walking towards the girls. "Guys, I need you to hide me." He mumbles. 

  
"What? Why?" Orihime asks worriedly. "Are you OK?"

  
"I'm having a crisis, I'll be honest." Grimmjow mumbles. 

  
"Is it 'cos you ran off when Kurosaki asked you out?" Harribel smirks and Grimmjow glares. 

  
"What! Harribel you said he said yes!" Orihime squeaks. 

  
"Wha- Said yes to Kurosaki?" Grimmjow yelps and Ichigo feels his face burn in embarrassment. "I... didn't say anything at all." 

  
"Yeah because you chickened out and made a run for it." Harribel says.

  
"He surprised me is all." Grimmjow mumbles. 

  
"Well if Ichigo was here right now, what would you say to him?" Orihime asks, and she makes sure not to glance over at the back of the couch. 

  
Ichigo holds his breath as he waits for an answer. Grimmjow seems to think about his words for a minute before finally coming to a decision. "I think I might tell him I'd give it a go but only if we can still fight and stuff because I can't _wait_ to have a proper all out battle." 

"Cool. He's on the couch." Harribel says, jabbing a thumb in Ichigo's direction.

  
 _That fucking snitch_ , Ichigo thinks. Grimmjow turns around so fast he gets whiplash. With a sigh, Ichigo drags himself into a sitting position and gives Grimmjow a meek grin and a wave. "Hi."

  
Grimmjow just stares at him in silence for a few seconds, wide-eyed and frozen, before Orihime let's out an annoyed sigh and gives Grimmjow a shove in Ichigo's direction. "Go get him, kitty." She says, still trying to shove Grimmjow despite their difference in strength. 

  
"D-Don't call me kitty." He mumbles in reply and relents against her shoving, shuffling over to Ichigo and standing awkwardly next to the couch. 

  
Ichigo stares up at him, wondering who was going to take initiative and talk to the other first. Ichigo caves by sneaking a hand out and gently gripping the jacket of Grimmjow's uniform and tugging gently. "Hey." 

  
Grimmjow tries to hide the fact he jumps a little and then finally looks down at Ichigo. "Hi."

  
Ichigo bites his lip nervously. "Sorry about putting you on the spot like that before. I should've thought more about what I was saying." 

  
Grimmjow looks like he has a retort on the tip of his tongue but he hesitates before brushing off Ichigo's hand from his jacket, ignoring the offended look Ichigo throws him, and hops over the side of the couch to sit beside him. "Forget all that crap, you didn't do anything wrong." He grumbles.

  
Ichigo takes a gamble and scoots closer to Grimmjow, letting their thighs brush. Eyes scanning for Grimmjow's reaction and he promptly smirks when he sees Grimmjow's cheeks tinge red. "Still. Must have surprised you something fierce for you to take off like that." He says.

  
"I'll live." Grimmjow mutters. "Were you serious?" 

  
Ichigo just shrugs, "I'll be honest. I didn't think about it when I said it. But I'm not averse to it either." 

  
"We barely know each other." Grimmjow says. 

  
"Who cares? We're obviously attracted to each other so let's just start with that." Ichigo replies, he's feeling pretty nervous about all this if he's being honest.

  
Grimmjow contemplates his choices before replying, "Yeah alright, lets give us a go." 

  
Ichigo grins madly and was about to reply before he gets cut off by Orihime whooping excitedly and running over to them, ruffling their hair like they were naughty kids. "Yes! I'm so happy!" 

  
With Grimmjow's hair all messed up he looks like he lost one of his nine lives and Ichigo tries hard not to comment on it. He knows he probably looks just as worse for wear anyway. Turning in his seat to face Orihime he asks her, "Orihime, do you want to be rescued from here?" He might as well ask, but he thinks he knows her answer. 

  
"Nope." She says instantly and without any hesitation. "This is like every girls fantasy. I feel like a Princess who doesn't have to do any royal duties."

  
"That sounds nice." Ichigo says. "If Aizen treats everyone so... this way, why is there war at all?" 

  
Orihime frowns, "I dunno what you're talking about. He hasn't mentioned anything about a war." 

  
Ichigo frowns, "Soul Society says that he deserted in order to take over the world and wage war." 

  
"Uh, doubt he'd do that." Grimmjow pipes up, "Sure, the man has issues but as far as I know he hasn't prepped anyone for war." 

  
"Perhaps I can answer that." Harribel says, "Being the current #3, I get told a lot more." 

  
"So what's he up to?" Ichigo asks. 

  
"While he hasn't said anything directly, I'm led to assume he has some idea about 'showing up' the Soul Society and proving that their dynamic is leading to famine in the districts while the wealthy or useful to Seireitei flourish." Harribel explains, "He always talks about how they have an unfair system that allows for exceeding amounts of inner corruption without an eyelash being batted about it."

  
"So he's what? Trying to prove that his rule over Hueco Mundo will be a better thing than Soul Society?" Ichigo says, "He's got rankings here too, and people are clearly being treated the same as Soul Society." 

  
"But it's about the resources." She says, "While there is a rankings system, everyone has access to the same materials and resources as everyone else in Las Noches. Gin even teaches everyone about the world of the Living and how to co-habitate on a small time basis. Things such as shopping." 

  
"So you get everything from the world of the living?" Ichigo says, "That's... smart. Why does he turn everyone into half soul reapers though?" 

  
"I think it's about giving everyone a fair chance at controlling themselves. A lot of Hollows, especially Gillian and below, attack humans. I think his overall plan is turn everyone into part soul reaper for the reason of stopping attacks. Soul Reapers from Soul Society tend to just go and kill them like beasts but Aizen would rather create his own society with a fair system." Harribel explains, "Cut down on the attacks, have us live in the living world, that way we can catch souls when they become hollows and instead of letting Soul Society kill them, we help them gain control back in the form of turning them into Arrancar. Only problem we're having is the lower the level of Hollow, the worse the outcome. It's still a work in progress." 

  
"Plus, it's been a few weeks since anyone's seen Aizen use the Hogyoku on a Hollow. We think he's at a stump." Orihime interjects.

  
"That's true. I haven't even seen it lately." Grimmjow says, "Luppi and I thought he might have got it stuck in ass again but he's not cranky so that can't be the case." 

  
Ichigo tries not to pull a face at the ass comment. "So no one knows where the Hogyoku is?"

  
"Uh, I know where it is but it's confusing me." Orihime says. 

  
"What do you mean?" Harribel says.

  
"He's keeping it in a jar on his desk full of... stuff. It gets more yellow every time I see it but also fuller." Orihime says. "I think I've seen something like it back in the living world."

  
Ichigo feels sick. Oh no. Hogyoku cum jar. "Let's change the topic. I want to talk to Aizen and get his side of the story and why Soul Society has some weird deranged vendetta against all of this because so far all I've seen are horny Arrancar and fairly fun system happening and that's not enough to wage war against." 

  
"Chalk it up to Soul Society being prudes and leave it at that." Grimmjow shrugs. 

  
"What if they actually start a war though? Like a storm the castle kind of thing." Orihime says, and she has a valid point. 

  
Ichigo thinks about it for a minute. "Not if we get Aizen's ex involved." He says, "He's the only way for the Soul Reapers to get into this place."

  
"Urahara?" Orihime says.

  
"You knew? I only just found out." Ichigo says, surprised. 

  
"Oh yeah, we talked about it over tea." She says, smiling fondly at the memory. "He might still have feelings for him but I'm pretty sure Urahara got back with his own ex, the one before Aizen." 

  
"What? Yoruichi? I always thought they had something going on." Ichigo says.

  
Orihime just rolls her eyes. "Yoruichi is a lesbian. I'm talking about Mayuri." 

  
Ichigo must have pulled a face because Orihime just snorts at him and says "You need to catch up on the gossip." 

  
"Look, I'm going to go look for Aizen. Need to have a bit of a chat with him." Ichigo says. He pulls himself up off the couch and stretches. He's starting feel tired from all the revelations today. 

  
Grimmjow stands up too. "I'll take you there." He offers up.

  
Ichigo smiles at him, "Thanks."

  
Grimmjow's face goes red and he grabs Ichigo by the hand, dragging him to the door, "OK LET'S GO." He shrieks and Ichigo jumps slightly. Huh, so Grimmjow's problem isn't intimacy, it's emotions. Ichigo makes a mental note of that. Orihime waves them both goodbye as they slam the door.

  
Out in the hall Ichigo has to dig his heels in to stop Grimmjow's mad dash with Ichigo dragging along behind him. "Slow down, Grimmjow. We don't have to go as soon as we can."

  
Grimmjow finally slows down and let's Ichigo fall into pace beside him. They're still holding hands. "You should live here, in Las Noches with the rest of us." Grimmjow says, a little quieter than his normal tone.

  
Ichigo squeezes his hand, hoping he's coming across as comforting. "I was honestly considering it for a minute or two, but what about my family? They're still in world of the living. I'd like to finish my education too." He says.

  
Grimmjow just shrugs. "Nothing's stopping you from doing any of that. We can just open a garganta anytime for you. Plus, they can visit if they want. I mean didn't you hear everything Harribel said? It's pretty much what Aizen's opting for anyway." 

  
Ichigo stops in his tracks, "So I can stay here like Orihime, and still have complete freedom to do what I want?" 

  
"I mean, yeah." Grimmjow says. 

  
"If we're so free then why did Aizen have Orihime kidnapped?" Ichigo asks.

  
"Fuck if I know. You'll have to ask him yourself." Grimmjow says, "He's weird, OK? Just warning you." 

  
"I gathered that already thanks." Ichigo replies, "So where does Aizen usually hang out?"

  
"He wanders around, but his business hours are now so he'll be sitting on his fancy chair all alone in the meeting room." Grimmjow snickers to himself, "He should have Szayel set up some kind of communication system."

  
"That would be handy I guess." A sudden thought comes to Ichigo, "Hey wait, where are my friends? The ones I came here with?" 

  
"Dunno about all of them but your little black haired gremlin friend, the one I think I shoved my hand through at some point, she's in one of the towers having tea with Aaroniero. If I remember right I think Gin said they were having a lengthy discussion on memories of an old friend. Or something like that?" Grimmjow explains, "Though to be fair, whatever person they're reminiscing over must be pretty important because Aaroniero never talks to people. He has no friends."

  
"Well, at least they're not killing each other." Ichigo says. "What about the others?" 

  
"No idea." Grimmjow shrugs, "Anyway, let's get to Aizen. He'll probably be able to answer more of your questions." They continue walking on their way.

  
"This has been a strange day and I'm exhausted." Ichigo says, and Grimmjow definitely notices that Ichigo's movements are little more sluggish than he's seen before. 

  
Grimmjow stops them both, turning to face Ichigo, "If you want, we can take a break so you can get some sleep. It's not like anyone's in any danger, or that there's any fights happening. You'd feel it." Grimmjow says.

  
Ichigo pauses and realizes Grimmjow is right, no one is fighting and the whole places seems peaceful. "Maybe you're right. I came here to rescue Orihime, but she doesn't need it."

  
"You can stay in my room if you want. Or we can find you your own personal quarters." Grimmjow suggests.

  
"Yeah, I'll stay with you." Ichigo says, he starts feeling dizzy and sways a little. Grimmjow reaches out to grab Ichigo by the shoulders to steady him. 

  
"Ichigo, you alright?" Grimmjow asks, worry in his tone. First name basis seems like a boyfriend privilege at this point.

  
But Ichigo can barely hear him, like his voice was underwater. The more he thinks about everything that's happened since getting to Hueco Mundo, and then having to deal with Soul Society lying, Orihime being OK, and everything in general, he finds himself faint and nauseous. "Grimmjow, I-" He doesn't get a chance to warn Grimmjow before he finds himself passing out and falling forwards, Grimmjow quickly reaching out to catch him. 

  
Grimmjow panics and sits down with Ichigo in his lap. He shakes the ginger a little, hoping it might jostle him awake. When he doesn't wake his first instinct is to get Ichigo straight to Szayel to see if he needs healing. He scoops Ichigo up in his arms bridal style and sonidos to the labs.

  
He does all but kick the door down, knowing that was a useless thing to do as he's tried and failed to do so in the past. Szayel finally opens the door and glances down at the unconscious boy in Grimmjow's arms. "What did you to do him?" 

  
"Nothing! He just passed out." Grimmjow says, trying and failing to hide the worry. 

  
"Bring him in then." Szayel says, he looks bored but he doesn't hesitate letting the two of them in. "Put him over there on that table. It's clean, I think." 

  
Grimmjow carefully lowers Ichigo onto the metal gurney and backs up to let Szayel look at him. Szayel grabs Ichigo's face, turning it over in his palms before lifting his eyelids and opening his mouth to peek inside. With a sigh he backs up and turns to Grimmjow. "He's fine. Just a little stressed. Probably an overload of new information for his little living brain. Just let him sleep it off somewhere." 

  
Grimmjow nods, thanks Szayel for his help and sonidos Ichigo back to his room and lays him gently onto the bed. He stays for an hour or so watching over Ichigo before he decides it's unlikely he'll be waking up anytime soon. In a spur of the moment decision, he decides to go looking for Ichigo's friends, the ones he brought with him, figuring it might be nice for Ichigo to be surrounded by familiar friendly company when he wakes up. 

  
He sets out on his little mission. 

  
He tracks down gremlin girl first, because he knows exactly where she is and also that he might need to apologize to her at some point for the whole hand incident. He doesn't take long to get to her location. A couple of knocks on Aaroniero's door and he finally opens up. 

  
"Grimmjow? What do you want?" Aaroniero says, "I have a guest." 

  
Grimmjow waves him off, "Yeah yeah, gremlin girl, Ichigo's friend. I know. I need to borrow her for a bit." 

  
Rukia peeks out of the door. "Oh, what do you want with me?" She asks. "And my name's Rukia, not gremlin girl."

  
"Wanna come see Ichigo? He kind of passed out." Grimmjow offers. He doesn't care about her name, really. She'll always be gremlin girl in his head from now on.

  
Rukia looks a little startled, "Oh, is he alright?" 

  
"I guess this place has been a lot for him to take in. He fainted." Grimmjow shrugs. "Figured he'd want to see some friends when he wakes up, help him out with more familiar faces." 

  
"I see." Rukia nods. "He's got Small Brain disease. Too much information and he's gone." 

  
"I gathered that." Grimmjow grins, "Let's go find these other friends of his." 

  
"What about Orihime? Aaroniero says she's fine, but is she? We came to rescue her but honestly this place doesn't seem so bad." Rukia says. 

  
"Orihime's fine. Ichigo was just chatting with her actually. Then he wanted to talk to Aizen and sorta passed out on me on the way." Grimmjow explains.

  
"Does she enjoy it here? I am, and I've only been here less than a day." Rukia says. 

  
"Hell yeah she does. Last week she and Lillinette maxed out one of Aizen's credit cards on turning one of the spare rooms here into nothing but cushions and pillows, blankets and huge squishy sofas. A jukebox too." Grimmjow says, "They've been calling it the Stress Relief Nap Station but it's sort of turned into a Starrk Retreat. He's in there all the time." 

  
"I wonder why Soul Society was lying to us? I admit, many times I've questioned them silently but this is putting everything into a whole new perspective for me." She says, "Everyone's preparing for war like it's a fight or die situation. It didn't help the outlook when you and your friends caused chaos. Hell, you even put your hand through me!"

  
"Yeah, about that..." Grimmjow gives her a sheepish look, "I'm sorry about doing that. I wasn't in my right mind. Szayel's little... Happy formula went nuts in my system and I could only act on Instinct rather than having any morals. Sorry." 

  
Rukia just shrugs, "Water under the bridge. I've had worse injuries." 

  
"So... where are your other friends?" Grimmjow asks, he can't really sense them for some reason. 

  
"Renji and Uryu? We met about two hours ago, they said they wanted to check the Observation rooms to see just how large this place was. We ran into Gin before. He offered to show them. I saw Chad too, he's off in the desert somewhere trying to help Nel out with something." 

  
"Huh." Grimmjow mutters, that explains it. Gin had Szayel pressure-proof so nothing can be sensed from the outside. I mean what's the point of having a security room like that if it was easily found? Whoever the fuck Nel was though he had no idea. "Guess we'll bother them later. Let's just get to Ichigo, I don't know when he'll wake up." 

  
And without further ado, Grimmjow grabs Rukia, throws her under his arm and Sonidos to his room while ignoring her protests about being handled in such a manner. "Alright we're here." He says, letting her drop down.

  
"What the hell was all that for?" She grumbles, brushing her robes off as she straightens herself out. 

  
"We were going too slow and I got impatient." Grimmjow replies, he opens the door and waits for Rukia to follow him in.

  
Rolling her eyes she steps into his room and looks around, instantly noticing Ichigo knocked out on the bed. She walks over to him and sits down. "Damn he looks exhausted." 

  
"Yeah." Grimmjow says, he sits cross-legged on the floor in front of the bed. 

  
"So, what's it like here?" Rukia asks, "I mean Aaroniero and I mostly just talked about Kaien, an old friend of mine, but we talked a little about how it wasn't so bad this place. Among other stuff." 

  
"Well, it's kind of chaotic." Grimmjow replies, "Luppi fucks anything that moves, Szayel likes dick, but also things that don't move. I won't elaborate on that. Luppi thinks that the sex doll Gin ordered in for Barragan was a gigai and everyone's been playing along with it. Though I think he figured it out today because I'm pretty sure I overheard him talking about it with Ichigo and Harribel." 

  
Rukia just nods her head, unsure of what to really reply to that kind of information. So Grimmjow continues.

  
"Well I guess there's also the weird relationship going on between Gin and Ulquiorra and whoever the fuck Pesche is. 'Cos we all know Gin has fuck buddies and a ranking system for them but Ulquiorra no longer sleeps with anyone else other than Gin and Gin has sorta stopped whoring himself out too. Dunno what's happening there to be honest." Grimmjow pauses to take a breath, "And then there's Nnoitra and Tesla who for some reason are both really voyeuristic and complete prudes at the same time. Like, they're obviously involved but they'll deny it if you ask, but then they give handjobs under the table at the meetings, in the bar, in the lounge, anywhere at all and we just have to sit there and pretend it isn't a thing that is happening!"

"That's wild." Rukia replies. Really, it is. She's starting to wonder what the hell is actually up with this place. She knows Soul Society can be prudish about things, so maybe this is why they want war.

"Right? I live here and I think it's weird. Plus then there's Wonderweiss! Little bugger is probably the reason Aizen gets all that free cash from Australia. I mean it's not a huge amount, but it's there. I remember it too, he had me come along to help keep Wonderweiss from killing anything and we opened a Garganta outside this building and Aizen used his power to skip us to the front of the queue and then we sat there for like an hour showing off Wonderweiss with all these forged documents. A few weeks later I overhear Aizen telling Tosen that the Centrelink Benefits have finally started coming in for Wonderweiss." Grimmjow sighs to himself, "Though if I'm being honest, the weirdest person here is probably Yammy. I followed the guy through a Garganta the other day because I was like 'what's this guy up to' but he was just sitting in a field shoving rocks in his mouth."

  
"Rocks?" Rukia says.

  
"Yeah. Rocks." Grimmjow shrugs, "I was so confused. Thought it might have been some new trendy diet the people in the living world came up with but I couldn't find anything about it, even when I asked Luppi." 

  
"That is weird." Rukia pauses, "Actually, I think the weirdest thing I've experienced is finding Aaroniero has the memories of someone I was very close to because he ate him or something. I felt like I should have been mad but he has a proper conscious now and I'm finding it hard to hate him. Especially when the memories of Kaien were so strong that even he was affected by them to the point he almost regrets gobbling him up." 

  
"Yeah he texted me that he found a kindred spirit in a Soul Reaper and I could feel your spiritual pressure in his room so I figured you'd become friends or something." Grimmjow says. 

  
'Something like that." Rukia mumbles, there's a slightly pink tinge to her cheeks that Grimmjow definitely doesn't fail to notice.

  
Grimmjow snorts and glances up at her from his seat on the ground. "You banging him, then? Already?" 

  
Rukia blushes and deliberately looks the other way. "None of your business." 

  
"So what made you choose him, huh?" Grimmjow asks. 

  
Rukia shoots him a withering look, knowing he won't stop pestering her until he gets an answer. "At first I figured it was our memories of Kaien. Honestly I was sorta sold the moment he could take Kaien's form but it wasn't as shallow as that. We were kinda... doing it on the table and he..." Rukia's face goes red.

  
"He?" Grimmjow prompts. 

  
"He offered to eat me out.Long tongue and all." Rukia mutters. "That's what sold me. Renji wouldn't do that, kept saying it wasn't manly or some shit. That's what sealed the deal. Texted Renji saying We need 2 Split Bye, lay down on the table and let Espada 9 go ham on my pussy." 

  
Grimmjow nods, "Aaroniero has no friends but at least he can finally say he's banging someone." 

  
Rukia smirks. "I've always liked the underdogs." 

  
Grimmjow was about to reply when there was a mumbling sound coming from Ichigo. They both quickly snap their gazes to the conked out ginger on the bed. Grimmjow shuffles forward to kneel beside the bed, getting close to Ichigo. Rukia leans forward to brush a hand through his hair. Ichigo lets out a groan and slowly blinks his eyes open and lets his gaze adjust. 

  
"Grimmjow..." He mumbles, he shuffles around trying to sit up, rubbing at his eyes. "How did I get here....?"

  
"You passed out. I carried you." Grimmjow says, "Your friend is here, gremlin girl Rukia." He ignores the look she gives him for that name. 

  
Ichigo manages to sit up and he turns to look at Rukia. "You're safe. Isn't this place weird?" He says. 

  
"It's really weird." Rukia nods in agreement, "But I'm pretty tempted to not go home." 

  
"Right? Orihime made it sound like there's no better place in existence." Ichigo says, "Plus I have boyfriend now. Living world could _never_."

  
Rukia gasps, "You snagged a boytoy huh? Lucky you. So did I." 

  
"You as well?" Ichigo smiles, "It's romcom city huh?" 

  
"This is all very lovely but Ichigo, how are you feeling?" Grimmjow cuts in. 

  
"A little better I think." He says. "Rukia, Orihime has four girlfriends! Four! I couldn't even get one in my entire life and she gets four in the, like, month that she's been here."

  
"Damn, lucky girl." Rukia says. "So who's your guy?"

  
Ichigo smirks and reaches out to ruffle Grimmjow's hair with pride. "This lad right here."

  
Rukia nods approvingly. "A nice choice. Fine cheekbones, good strong jaw...jaws? Good bone structure. You've found yourself the perfect guy, Ichigo." 

  
"I agree." Ichigo says, Grimmjow's making a point to not look in either of their directions as they talk about him.

  
"I'm thinking about making regular visits here after this is over. I can't stay, I still have my brother, but I like it here and I don't think Aizen would be as bad as Soul Society makes him out to be." Rukia says.

  
"I think I will stay here. What they offer is amazing and I've heard a lot about Aizen's grand scheme from Harribel and I think he's making a good point, and I agree with his ideals. I can explain it to you later, but I want to talk with him at some point and get the words from his own mouth." Ichigo says, "Besides, I can still visit my family and get my education whenever. I'm not with Soul Society to begin with so they can't brand me a traitor or anything."

  
"Fair point." She replies, "Listen, now that I know you're OK, I'm going to go back to getting fucked senseless like I was before Grimmjow here so rudely interrupted. I'll catch you later!" She stands up and heads for the door, throwing a goodbye wave over her shoulder as she slams it behind her. 

  
Ichigo turns to Grimmjow, "You burst in on them getting their funk on?" 

  
Grimmjow's red but he just glares at the ground, "I only knocked and they answered! I didn't know they were up to sexy business."

  
"I'll talk to Aizen another time. My friends are safe, this place feels like being in a particularly nice fever dream and it's about to turn into a wet one." Ichigo says, he gives Grimmjow a look.

  
It takes Grimmjow a few seconds to process what Ichigo even said. "Hang on, you want-" 

  
Ichigo hoists him up onto the bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK that was rushed af but I ran out of things to do in the fic without making it too long. Am working on a third chapter right now but I don't know how it will go yet. I mostly shoved GrimmIchi in because I'm a whore for the kudos and nothing brings the simps more than GrimmIchi. And the lesbians.

**Author's Note:**

> Holy fucking shit guys this is the worst best thing I've ever created!!!!! I wanted to have a scene where there was a "Cone of Silence" in the room that Ulquiorra was going to use but he'd forget to push the button and just scream, but I had him leave the room instead because I was adding too many characters I'd have to keep up with. Sorry Ulqui, more screen time another time. On to more important things!  
> I only have a very vague idea of what Onlyfans actually is because I haven't had internet since the beginning of the year. 
> 
> Anyway follow me on twitter @ schwingalicious


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